Your bullshit is poisoning your dreams in every aspect of your life and you’re not even aware of it.  Two weeks ago, my own bullshit was called out in front of a group.  I froze for a second.  Oh shit, what?  Then I nodded with a smile and was hell yeah, that’s my fucking bullshit! 

You see I have been feeling pretty fucking stuck in my own life this past year.  A few days after my birthday, I found myself on a site that I had been following for while and I booked a retreat out of desperation.

So I traveled to Santa Monica, LA for my 2-day retreat.

This is not your typical retreat that you’re picturing where you mediate on the beach, practice yoga with beautiful sunsets, sip on fresh coconuts while swinging from a hammock, and journal while listing to nature.

This retreat that I attended was set in a conference room.   Two days 9am-5pm.  Water/coffee served.  Fold up chairs to seat.  Name tags to be worn.  No meditation.  No yoga.  No beach.  They went straight for our jugular vein and that was just what I needed.

I arrived early on day 1 to the conference center eager, exited, curious, but more than anything fucking ready to embark on my self-exploration journey to get unstuck.

The first thing our lead coach asked us was so write down:  Why are you here?

In my journal I wrote:   “No matter how good my life is, I feel something is missing.  I feel unsettled, unhappy, unsatisfied, restless.  I am here to learn how to welcome joy into my life.”

Than she asked us:  What do you need to get that?

I wrote:  “Calling my bullshit!”

I am aware that we need shit to evolve and grow. But at age 42, I want to let go of my shit and learn JOY.  As the author of my life knowing that anything is possible how come it is so hard to be happy when I am working so hard towards it? 

You see my bullshit was so deep not even I could smell it and it was sabotaging every aspect of my life. 

In my 20s I had anesthetized my fears and bullshit with alcohol and other addictions.  The problem with anesthetizing our fears and bullshit, we also stop feeling all the good emotions, desires and dreams.  We also further elevate our negative voices; the monsters and demons in our head.  Therefore making our bullshit even stronger and harder to smell.  In my 30s I had been so devoted to my career that I had lost connection to life.  

But the second I heard my bullshit out loud by the lead coach, was the second I blinked and held my demons and monsters tight on a leash.  Reality hit and I became real and vulnerable.  

Once you find your bullshit you can start to let go.  Let go of your fears.  Your insecurities.  Your self doubts.  You can start living from courage over comfort zone by choosing love over fear.  You can start living from a place of harmony and love.  You can start to align your heart, head and body.  This takes practice, courage and vulnerability and yet our dreams are worth fighting for.

My own bullshit and excuses were holding me back from truly living a life of joy and happiness.  Voice of judgment telling me, YOU are not good enough.  

Start here, by letting go of what people think.  Be happy and proud even if you are not there yet.  Learn to benchmark.  Above all Don’t Be Afraid to call out on your own bullshit.

My bullshit:  I am a COLD GYPSY.

As a child I learn to protect myself and armor my heart.  I did this so well that I became cold.  I also felt like I never belonged to a specific country or culture making me feel unsettled, unrooted.

In order to live the life that I love I am learning to become vulnerable.  It is not easy.  It fucking takes practice.   Some days I fail miserably as I chicken out.  Other days I am proud of my integrity. 

I am MORE THAN EVER committed in living in alignment with my heart, head and body all pointing towards the same direction as I keep telling myself:   Vulnerability over Comfort Zone. 

Esther Collinetti