The Power of Surrender
I grew up in a family where even finishing first was not good enough, and I often found myself competing against my older brother for the podium. This environment shaped me into a highly competitive and driven person with a never-give-up attitude.
That’s why making the decision not to race at IRONMAN Maryland this past September felt so difficult and went against everything I believe in.
My mind was telling me, “You didn’t come this far, only to come this far.” While my heart insisted, “Even if you crawl, you are going to race”. Meanwhile, my gut was warning me, “Don’t race, you're putting your life in danger”.
When it comes to major life decisions, I always trust my gut. However, I must admit, I only followed my gut after I listened to my husband’s opinion on why I shouldn't race.
After racing in 9 IRONMANs, 19 half IRONMANs, 4 stand-alone marathons, 2 marathon swims (10k), and most recently, swimming in the Great Chesapeake Bay 4.4-mile swim, this was the first time I walked away from a starting line.
I made the right decision not to race. However, in that moment, it felt like the rug had been pulled from under me, and then I was slapped with it. After months of hard training and sacrificing myself and others, I had to let go of my ego, surrender, and hit pause on pursuing my dream at racing IRONMAN Maryland for a Kona slot- my 10th IRONMAN and 4th IRONMAN in 12 months.
To me, this represents true strength: the ability to recognize when to stop fighting, surrender, and walk away from something you've worked so hard for in order to take care of your health.
The day after IRONMAN Maryland, I found myself at the Emergency Room of Mercy Hospital undergoing blood tests, CT scans, and MRIs. The doctors tried to determine the root cause of my chronic vertigo, ruling out infections, tumors, cancers, and blood clots. After spending 9 hours in the ER, I was referred to a neurologist.
After 8 weeks of living with chronic vertigo, I was diagnosed with Vestibular Migraine and started a treatment regimen that included migraine medication. I eliminated certain foods like caffeine, alcohol, and chocolate from my diet, got eye contacts, and began working with a vestibular rehabilitation physical therapist to help me return to my normal baseline.
I embarked on a healing journey to retrain and reprogram my brain to recognize normal motion and balance. It felt like I was deconstructing myself to reconstruct myself. I felt broken and lost, stuck in a dark place. I was no longer in control; I had to surrender to my brain and to the vertigo in order to heal. This went completely against my nature as a fighter who never gives up.
Throughout this healing process, I learned that surrendering does not mean giving up. Instead, it’s about knowing when to hit pause to conserve your energy and prepare for your next opportunity to pursue your goals!
Therefore, this Sunday, I will be racing in IRONMAN Arizona, my 10th IRONMAN.
This race isn't about making a comeback. It isn't about fighting for a Kona slot or setting personal records. This race is about celebrating life and health over 140.6 miles, refusing to settle for anything less.
